A number of years ago, I volunteered with the Mental Health Association of PBC’s Listen to Children Program. The experience was an eye opener. I quickly realized that many kids were lacking the one essential that would actually sustain them as they grew older. That essential was – and still is - self-esteem.
Self-esteem can be defined as the body armor worn against the challenges of the world. The development of self-esteem begins in infancy and continues throughout our lives. It is an on-going process that requires experiencing both joy and sorrow. For parents, allowing their children to feel that sorrow is the hardest part.
If only self-esteem could be bought in a store or on Amazon. Unfortunately, there are no magic pills or vitamin supplements to hide in our children’s ring dings and chicken fingers. Luckily, a simple solution exists. All we have to do is let kids be kids.
How easy that sounds but how difficult that is to do. All moms and dads know that love is the number one requirement for raising happy, healthy offspring but once we move beyond the obvious, the waters are murky.
The question we need to ask ourselves is not what should we do but, rather, what shouldn’t we do. It is hard not to pick up our children each time they fall down - physically and emotionally. It is hard not to fill their heads with false praise. It is really hard to let them find their own way in the world – bumps and bruises to knees and egos included. The truth is that there will always be someone smarter, stronger, funnier, taller, thinner, more athletic, more agile, prettier, handsomer… No kid is perfect.
We cannot prepare our sons and daughters to face the real world by protecting them from it. Buffering our children from the reality that everyone fails at something some time instills a sense of failure because no one gets through this life without tasting the bitterness of defeat.
When a child is part of a losing endeavor, the time is perfect to talk about the realities of life. Losing allows for a discussion of actual capability versus dreams and desires. Losing is not a bad thing. Losing builds character. Kids are finely tuned to react to the words they hear. We must remember to praise our children not only for a job well done but also for the effort they applied. We must also remember to be truthful.
I remember reading an article on the website Kids Health which provided this very telling observation – “Kids who know their strengths and weaknesses have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. They smile more readily and find greater enjoyment in life. Kids with high self-esteem are realistic and optimistic.
By contrast, kids with low self-esteem suffer from anxiety. They are frustrated by even the smallest challenge. Those who think poorly of themselves have difficulty problem solving. They are more inclined to think I can’t every time they are faced with a new situation.”
In 2010, a school in Massachusetts encouraged children in physical education classes to jump rope without the benefit of ropes. The thinking was that no child should feel belittled by tripping or falling. Heaven forbid that they hear the laughter of other children or feel the burn of red-cheeked embarrassment.
Is it any wonder that college students and recent college graduates are seen as unrealistic, egocentric, weak willed, soft hided and ill prepared for what lies ahead of them by experts in human resources? Researchers in the field of child psychology suggest we let our kids feel bad sometimes. They will learn compassion. Let them fail so that when they succeed, they will be filled with a sense of pride they justly deserve.
Donna Carbone is the Executive Director/Playwright in Residence at the Palm Beach Institute for the Entertainment Arts. Please visit PBIEA at: pbinstituteforentertainmentarts.com