During day four of the 2020 confirmation hearings for Judge Amy Cony Barrett’s appointment to the Supreme Court, she responded to a question posed by Democratic senators by using the term “sexual preference” when speaking on same sex marriages. Senators Hirono and Booker took her to task for her choice of words even though that expression had been used by millions of people with no hurtful intent.
The outcry, which resulted in Webster’s Dictionary adding the qualifier “offensive” to their definition, reminded me of a 2013 Facebook posting by a young mother living in Colchester, Essex, England. She wrote that her son’s middle school had banned the word gay and all its possible uses. Any student heard saying the word would be expelled. She further posted that her son had stated that the word meant stupid among his peers and was not a homophobic slur. This mother, concerned by the limitations put on her son’s freedom of speech, inquired what other parents thought of the situation.
The vast majority of those I interviewed felt the world had gone the way of reacting rather than acting. Many had stories which reflected my own childhood. Being of Italian descent, my mother often spoke of how, as a very young girl, she would battle anyone who called her a guinea or a wop. A close friend, born and raised in Cuba said, “I have learned to close my ears. Otherwise, anger takes over.”
So, what is the solution? When I asked how people handled the use of demeaning language in their own families, most said they followed their parent’s examples. Each time a derogatory name was heard, they took the opportunity to discuss its meaning, use and intention.
As to the Facebook post… something kept drawing me back. Soon another person posted a comment. So impressed was I by the intellect and honesty of the poster that I wrote to him and asked if I could use his name and comments in my then opinion column. He gladly gave his permission. (I have chosen not to use his full name here out of respect for his privacy.)
Michael F. was and may still be a school teacher in the Crowley Independent School District in Texas. He is also gay. He had very strong feelings about using the word gay in an inflammatory and insulting manner. This is what he said by way of introduction:
“I'm 36 years old, and I have been around straight people all of my life. I have never heard anyone say, "Oh, I feel so gay today" when they really meant happy. Homosexuals never decided to label themselves as gay, and it is very impractical to think that straight people are suddenly going to start using the word gay to replace the word happy.”
Michael’s words were eye openers. We corresponded throughout the day.
“As a gay adult, I find ‘That’s so gay!’ to be offensive. Our society would never have accepted ‘That's so black’ or ‘That's so Mexican’ in lieu of saying ‘That's so stupid.’ The sad thing is that these words are said around gay students who are in the closet, which makes them even more afraid to be honest about their sexual identity.
Gay is often used as an insult towards both homosexual and heterosexual males. The reaction, when directed to a gay person, is much different than that of a straight male. When a closeted gay person hears it, it causes him to fear that his peers will find out the truth. The use of derogatory terms places a lot of stress on gay teens. The suicide rate for gay youths is far greater than that of any other group of teens.”
Re-reading Michael’s words made it painfully obvious how easily and unknowingly society falls into a pattern of abuse. Neither repetition nor denial of meaning can turn a wrong into a right. One of my communiqués with Michael included a thank you note for my interest in this topic. He wrote:
“You made my night! I feel strongly that we must educate people to how hurtful language can be, especially when it becomes a part of everyday speech. Hurtful words diminish the self-esteem and confidence that we have in ourselves, especially when they are closely related to aspects of our lives over which we have no control.”
“… over which we have no control.” Those six words are, perhaps, the most important of all Michael wrote. Interestingly enough, Michael was the second young man to express that sentiment to me. Each time I hear someone say, “It’s a choice,” I remember a day many, many years ago when my son’s college roommate explained the issue with a very simple analogy. “Mrs. Carbone,” he said, “it is hard enough being black in this country. How can anyone think I would also choose to be gay?”
I have kept that young man’s words in my heart and, as many have learned, on my tongue. I repeat them every time ignorance rears its ugly head. I have added Michael F’s words to my commentary as well. In today’s society, very few people are ignorant of the fact that words can both hurt and heal. Sadly, name calling has become a way of life… a weapon with which to silence those who do not share an ideology, political or religious ideal or, for that matter, anything one person prefers over another person.
Hurtful words form scars in the mind and on the heart. They are wounds that never heal. I think it is time to embrace my parents’ warning to “… bite your tongue, or else.” I fear “or else” will have dire consequences for all mankind.
Donna Carbone is the Executive Director/Playwright in Residence at the Palm Beach Institute for the Entertainment Arts, where education through entertainment is the mission statement. Donna is also a published author. Her books - mostly crime novels based on actual events - are available on amazon.
Please visit: pbinstituteforentertainmentarts.com