My mother was a powerhouse for 96 years. She fought death every second of every day of every week of every month. Up to the very end, she lived on her own, cooked, cleaned and derived great satisfaction from driving my sister and me crazy. Until she actually passed away, I was willing to make bet that she would outlive both of us. I was fairly certain that her long life was the result of neither God nor Satan wanting to deal with her. In fact, when I think of mom dying, this is the scene that plays in my head:
INT: HEAVEN
Mom arrives at the Pearly Gates. God and Satan huddle together out of sight.
God
(whispering)
Be quiet. Maybe she'll go away
Satan
(whispering)
We are going to have to deal with her eventually.
God
(dejected)
Yeah. I know.
God raises his hands and mom’s soul lands in his palm. He looks at it for a minute, then defiantly throws it to Satan.
God
You take her.
Satan
NO! YOU take her.
A game of hot potato begins with mom’s soul being thrown back and forth between the two powerhouses.
God
I don't want her.
Satan
Neither do I.
God
You are better with these kinds of souls.
Satan
Wait a minute. YOU created her in YOUR image and likeness. Remember?
God
Do not believe everything you read in the Bible. That’s just spin.
Having been my mother’s daughter for oh, so many years, that scene makes perfect sense to me.
I cannot remember one holiday or special occasion when mom was not sick or injured. She did not attend my first communion, confirmation or graduation from either grammar school or high school due to (pick one) a fall, the flu, a hernia, ulcers, a migraine. I am pretty sure she was there when I was born but that was the first and last time she put in an appearance.
Mom was not beyond manipulating a situation to suit her needs. If she was not getting enough attention, and I never did discover the definition of enough, she would put herself in danger to get the desired results. My nightmares were filled with visions of her standing naked and wet from the shower in the front yard during a blizzard. Teeth chattering and icicles hanging from… nope… that is an image I prefer to avoid.
At my sister’s wedding reception, she told the guests that my father was dying from cancer. Dad was surprised to learn he was sick but did not seem bothered by his impending death. I actually think he rejoiced at the thought of being free from mom’s antics. Poor guy lived 10 more years. He made his exit wearing a top hat and carrying a cane. I swear I heard him singing, “Free at last! Free at last! Oh, thank God, I’m free at last.”
When I got married, mom came to the reception with her arms wrapped in ace bandages from wrists to elbows. Her arthritis, she claimed, was just “… sooooo painful.” Family members sitting at her table had to cut her food for her.
Mom was known to drink sour milk, overdose on laxatives, burn herself while cooking, slam a door on her hand, cut herself with a sharp knife and fall down a flight of stairs -- all for attention. Her favorite look-at-me trick was to forget to take her blood pressure medicine. When the paramedics arrived, it was a reunion. They came to her house so often that once a week she baked cakes and had me deliver them to the firehouse. How she did not kill herself was a question we all asked, but then, we remembered God and Satan and the answer was clear.
There were so many incidents over the years, I have lost track of them all… and I lost patience in the process. Each time she was hospitalized, my sister and I informed the doctors of her condition. They looked at us as if we were crazy. Munchausen syndrome is not easy to diagnose and only Munchausen by Proxy causes any great concern in the medical community.
Mom was such a great actress! She had everyone convinced that she was just a sweet little old lady who wanted nothing more than good health and quality family time. Would that it were so!
When she left us at age 96, most of her relatives had already relocated to the great beyond. I am certain that her arrival in heaven caused quite a stir… if that is where she was headed.
Donna Carbone is the Executive Director/Playwright in Residence at the Palm Beach Institute for the Entertainment Arts, where education through entertainment is the mission statement.
Please visit: pbinstituteforentertainmentarts.com