The bell has rung announcing the beginning of another school year and while mothers of preteen students were busy filling backpacks with notebooks, pencils, markers and assorted necessities, mothers of college-aged girls were also preparing to pack bags. For parents of young women heading off to institutes of higher education, the sight of suitcases in the hallway can be traumatic. Yes, tuition is a frightening reality—one that could play havoc with your savings account for many years. Eventually though, the bills will be paid and your daughters will begin earning their own way in the world. That is a good thing.
Unfortunately, there is another frightening reality—one which many parents refuse to accept—mothers, in particular. Whenever I speak to individuals and groups about the need for all females regardless of their age to take responsibility for their own safety, it is inevitably the mothers of daughters in the last years of high school or about to enter college who balk at the suggestion. They seem to resent being advised that their daughters need to be careful about the who, where and how of enjoying themselves. As the mother of a rape survivor, I wish I had known years ago the things I know now.
Taking responsibility does not mean denying oneself a good time. It does not mean you cannot party with your friends or drink or dress provocatively. It does, however, mean that the good times will not be marred by painful memories in the future.
If I had a penny (even as worthless as pennies have become) for every time I have heard “rite of passage,” I would be very wealthy. I always think that people are confusing “rite” with “right” because although you do have the right to go, dress and behave as your choose, the rite that you may be participating in could be rape. Here is where I get the most flack. Invariably, there will be one mother who will spout the feminist line about how what you wear has no correlation to rape… and that is true to a certain degree. Rapists are not necessarily drawn to sexy attire unless that attire will make it hard for the intended victim to get away. Try running in five inch heels. See how far you get. Consider that being unconscious in a pool of vomit, whether wearing a designer dress or a suit of armor, is not only unattractive, it is also an open invitation to every pervert lurking nearby.
College is a transitional period for students. Both males and females get their first taste of freedom and, more often than not, they are unprepared for the dangers inherent in the absence of parental supervision. Despite what some factions would like you to believe, not all men are potential rapists. However, there are rapists in college just as there are everywhere in life. Date rape is a controversial subject which I will not address here. My comments are generalizations meant to keep women safe throughout their lives.
No woman deserves to be raped. Choosing to go naked through the streets does not qualify a female as being rape worthy. Nothing a woman does… no manner of behavior… justifies abuse. However, if you are going to dress provocatively, if you are going to drink to excess, if you are going to habituate areas that are less than safe, you had best be aware that the fact that you do not deserve to be raped means nothing to a rapist.
Women should be able to do as they please without fear of assault, but we do not exist between the pages of a story book where the princess lives happily ever after. This is real life and here the princess can wake up brutally beaten—if she is lucky enough to wake up at all. Why? Because she chose to protect herself with rhetoric rather than reason.
Do not be a victim. Do not allow your daughters to be victims. Talk to your children about the danger in acting irresponsibly. Mottos and slogans cannot save your life, but here is one that might detour you and your family out of harm’s way: “Think before you drink.” Let us make that motto even simpler—“Just think.” And do not expect someone else to protect you. That is your job.
Donna Carbone is the Executive Director/Playwright in Residence at the Palm Beach Institute for the Entertainment Arts, where education through entertainment is the mission statement. Donna is also a published author. Her books - mostly crime novels based on actual events - are available on amazon.
Please visit: pbinstituteforentertainmentarts.com